Microsoft Funds 100 Million Dollar Writing Project
A spokesperson for up and coming search engine optimization company XLGMNT announced Tuesday that the hot new NASDAQ climber had received a 100 million dollar cash infusion to finish its highly touted article generation software.
“WriteSmart is the end result of thousands of man hours from our balanced dynamic focus group, a multi-tiered discrete alliance of IT professionals utilizing face-to-face regional workforce flexibility to revolutionize optional encompassing software to generate keyword-rich articles to optimize search engine ranking for companies selling penis enlargement pills,” said Lisa Lane, Vice President of Function-based Uniform Contingency.
Thought by many to be vaporware, WriteSmart was announced three years ago with the promise that no one would ever have to write copy of any kind on the internet. Bloggers, copywriters, spammers, message board posters, and users of instant messaging programs would simply type in a couple of relevant keywords and the WriteSmart program would do the rest. Stymied by the sheer scope of the project, the XLGMNT development team compromised by limiting the product to writing spam about penis enlargement.
“We were looking for an extended upward-trending product and penis enlargement fit the bill,” explained Ms. Lane. “Our standalone executive system engine coupled with our reactive solution-oriented core allows us to expect phased transitional customer loyalty within a synchronized attitude-oriented frame. This is a profit-focused responsive project but we reserve the right to realign incremental pricing structure. We may give it away for free and charge them up the hoohoo for support provided we can make the documentation incomprehensible enough.”
Reaction to the announcement among internet users was mixed.
“It sucks,” said Gerald Burgermeister, who is in his eighth year of study at Paducah Junior College. “I was planning on using it to pass my composition class, but I already have a large penis.”
“I really don’t see how this product is going to fit into the social networking paradigm,” complained Jess Willard, editor of the popular How to Make Friends on Facebook blog. “Maybe if you wrote a headline that said vote up if you have a huge penis. That might work.”
“Penis enlargement has long been the mainstay of internet marketing,” said Janik Sliver, internet marketing guru. “If you can train the software to generate thousands of autoresponders, some schmuck might hit on it. It’s all about the headline, anyway. Nobody actually reads that crap. I wonder if they want to JV.”
“WriteSmart will have the synergized systematic ability to compensate for standalone client driven complexity using decentralized 5th generation throughput drawing from a centralized bottom-line data-warehouse in tandem with an optimized regional knowledge base to make XLGMNT your automated responsive business partner,” Ms. Lane concluded. “If even one person opens an email and purchases a product that will eventually give him a wanger that would make a Holstein cow blush like a virgin on prom night, it will all have been worth it.”
Bill Gates was unavailable for comment.
Corporate buzzwords cheerfully stolen from way2web.net.
Anyone who wants to sue knows what they can do with a rolling donut.
